Painkillers for the soul

I was reading my texts and realized I talk too much about alcohol here, like it's a big part of my life, which kind of is. I started to drink at 18 I believe. I used to have a couple of beers after work on Fridays and weekends, I never really liked the taste of beers so the only reason I drank it was to get drunk, or close to it. Then I started drinking wine too, thanks to a former coworker who suggested me a specific brand she'd recently discovered, and I decided to give it a shot and it was pretty good, unlike beer I liked how it tasted. So every once in awhile I'd buy a bottle of wine and share it with my family. 

But then one day I decided to give whisky a shot too, I did a little research on it, watched a couple of reviews, which doesn't make much sense cause you can't really know what's it like unless you try it. So I looked for the cheapest one with a minimum of quality, I didn't want to spend much money on something I wasn't sure whether I'd like it or not. 

The thing is I hated the first sip, but loved all the following ones. 

So just like that I begun to drink whisky almost every weekend and even on weekdays when things aren't that good in my head.

I'm not trying to make alcohol seem cool or convince anyone to start to drink too, this is just my experience with it and it's been quite good. 

Alcohol helps me to free who I really am, it helps me not to be scared of judgements, stop thinking too much about every step before I take it and most important it helps me to not give a fuck about what other think of me, cause it'll not make any difference in my life.

Charles Bukowski once said in an interview "If I hadn't been a drunkard, I probably would have commited suicide a long time ago".

I would not go that far and say I'd have killed myself if it wasn't for alcohol, but it has surely make life way easier to face.

It's weird but when I'm drunk it's when I feel I'm really sober and I can finally be myself, without worrying about irrelevant stuff. 

Ah shit here we go again

So it happened again, fellas. I was rejected. There is this girl I've talking with for a few months, she was always nice, interesting, the conversation was good, she's pretty, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to ask her out, we've met online so we never met each other in real life and I thought it was time to make this happen. I made my move and ask her if she would like to out somewhere nice to eat something or have a couple of drinks, talk, or whatever. To which she replied by saying she already had plans to go out with her sister and I was like "no problem, what about next Saturday?". And she said it was perfect, since she didn't have anything planned to do Saturday.

And I started looking for some nice places next to her, she lives in the other side of the city so I wanted to go somewhere around her area so she wouldn't need go to far from home. I even asked a friend of mine who lives in the same neighborhood as her for some suggestions and he sent me some. I asked her to pick which place she wanted to go and she said she was fine with whatever I picked. 

I let my expectations get high, I was excited cause after two years I'd finally go out with a girl, she was pretty, smart, we had a lot in common, everything was great. I bought a new pair of pants, cause the only pair I had I use them everyday to work and they were dirty and worn out, I scheduled with my barber to come to my place so I could get a hair cut, I wanted to look as nice as possible.

So on Thursday I asked her if was all good for date and she crushed me with a "oh right, I have my cousin's birthday party to go on Saturday". Like, why didn't that bitch tell me that before? What if I didn't ask her about the date she would just let me cross the whole city to met her and when I get there and call her asking where she was she would finally tell me she couldn't go? The worse part is that has happened to me so many times that deep inside I kinda expected it'd happen again, but I let my dick guide me and put my rationality aside for a few days. I know that was just some bullshit excuse so I just replied her with an "ok" and didn't text her since. 

So instead of being upset I just took the money I'd spend with her and bought a bottle of a nice whisky and drank the whole thing throughout the weekend, so it wasn't all lost, I mean I didn't lose her cause she was never mine so everything stayed the same. I guess I'll just stay away from girls to avoid this kind of trouble, don't get me wrong I'm not some kind of whining boy crying cause some bitch didn't want him. I'm just a guy who has dealt with this sort of bullshit my whole life and I'm done with it. 

Good for the heart bad for the liver

Yesterday I ran out of whisky, took the last sip just when I found out my ex girlfriend is dating this new guy. After me this is the third guy she dates in a period of two years, quite an excited date life huh. 

I know I shouldn't care about her, neither write about her, but as I said in my last text there's still remains of her in me, sometimes I still miss her and wish she was here. 

Someone told me I should look for a psychologist, but I don't believe I can solve that by only talking to someone, don't get me wrong I'm not saying psychology is bullshit, I just don't think it wouldn't work for me. 

I'd rather then go to a psychiatrist, get a couple of pills and suddenly feel more relaxed, calm, happy… 

Then I realized this is just what alcohol do, so I guess I'll just buy another bottle of whisky, it's cheaper, I won't give me those bizarre side effects, and it tastes way better. 

Cheers!

Nothing but a song

Here I am again listening to that song that reminds me of her. I know I promised myself that I would never listen to that again, but you know what? Fuck it. I feel like there is still remains of her inside me and that song might help to drain that off me.

I know that I shouldn't be feeling anything for her at this point, but now that song, that damn song, doesn't hurt me like before, I feel like it hurts about 10% of what It used to hurt, so that's some progress I guess, I don't even cry anymore, not at all, I'm far from that. 

It's funny cause what I feel now is some nostalgia and even some anger I don't know it's just confusing. Sometimes I want to go back and live that life all over again, other times I wish that has never happened, but I'm also happy that it did because the experience was important to my life, it helped me to be the man I am today it made me learn so many things about relationships, about women, about spoiled people and that made me realize what kind of person that I don't want in my life ever again.

But I'm done getting reflective after listening to this song because of her, I'm looking forward to the day when that song will no longer be "her song", but it'll be just a song. 

A day for a dime

It's 5:50am the alarm goes off, I put my hand under the pillow reaching out my phone, grab it and turn off the alarm. Fuck, it's time. I can barely open my eyes, but I have to get up and get ready, at the beginning of a new day. Today is especially hard to leave the bed because it's the first day after vacation, so it won't be that easy to wake up early after two weeks of waking up at lunch time. But I did it anyway.

Went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, poured some water on my face, took a leak.

Now back to the bedroom I look above at the highest shelf where lays two bottles of whisky. I grabbed my favorite one, filled a narrow glass and just chugged it. 

The man's worst best friend

The day at work starts as bad as always, it's still 7 in the morning and people are already being loud as fuck in the kitchen, telling each other how amazing their vacation was, even though it wasn't and saying how much they missed each other, though they didn't. 

The rest of the day was actually more boring than exhausting, I think the most exciting part was me finding out that one of the guys from production will be fired. The manager and I use the same e-mail account so I have access to everything she sends or receive and vice versa. 

And she specifically requested that his dismissal will be on Friday and they certainly will only tell him after his shift. So they'll let him work the whole week only to fire him on Friday after work, don't you also think this is some bullshit? I thought about telling him, but I don't like him that much and he's a lazy guy anyway, but I can relate to him, that company doesn't motivate you to work hard at all.

I'd say the rest of the week was a little more stressful, I wasn't having enough sleep those days so I'd feel like a zombie all day, and it's awful do anything when you're sleepy, I even fell asleep for a few minutes while working on something. My coworker haven't returned from her vacation yet so I'm having to do my job and hers, and the funny part is that I won't earn a dime for the extra work I'm doing, pretty cool, huh? To make it all better, I got caught in a heavy rain on my way home on Friday, the wind was blowing so strong that it got my umbrella broken, so this was my excited first week of work in 2022. 

Not great not terrible

So last year was weird. It was like a sequel of 2020. COVID was still around, we had to keep wearing masks, washing our hands after touching anything, avoiding crowded places, this last one actually wasn't an issue for me though since I hate crowded places. I felt like I was living an endless loop, not only because the world was stuck in this situation, but mainly because I couldn't change a single thing in my life, almost all my goals and plans I had for 2021 were aborted along the way. The only goal I was able to achieve was get into college and that one was actually pretty good because I passed to one of the best universities in my country and finally to study something I like. 

When it comes to relationships it was frustrating, I couldn't get a single date, different from 2020 when I had 2, a personal record. Though I've tried. I tried with different types of women, different shapes, different colors, different social classes and even different ages (all above 18, ok? I know what you were thinking). And yet it just didn't work. I'm slowly accepting the fact that relationships are not for me, though I know I'll eventually meet someone new, have my hopes up again only to have them crushed next, as always happen. Or I'll just cockblock myself because I'm too shy and pathetic to make a move, like it happened last month when I went to watch the new Spider-Man movie, I just rejected a woman because I was too afraid that she would rejected so like a Cobra Kai I stroke first and now I'll never know what could've happened. And by the way the movie is awesome, no doubt the best I watched last year and maybe even the best of the Spider-Man cinematic universe, but this is not a movie review so I'll stop here. 

And back to reality now when it comes to achievement I feel like it was a wasted year, I failed with diet and I've gained weight, I didn't finish any of the books that I’ve started reading (there's about 10 of them), I didn't save any money and actually spent way more than I should and could spend, didn't improve my language skills, and though I was really happy for getting into college at first, I didn't do my best and failed one subject and it was the most boring one so I'll have another six months studying that shit. 

Most (if not all) of those failures was due to my procrastination, I acknowledge I have this problem, before that I used the work fatigue as an excuse, so I'd tell myself "I'm too tired today, but tomorrow I'll be less tired and I'll do it", and then I'd say the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next. And that way all I did was work and poorly studying and training. 

But it's a new year and here I am to set new goals to pursue in 2022, I'll basically do everything I failed to do last year, which is all those things I've just mentioned above.

I'm motivated, I know motivation alone is not enough to change anything, but it's a start, also one of my goals is to get more disciplined, I've installed a time tracker on my phone to help me to follow my projects and I'll work on it, this will be my number one priority for the year, not being a lazy motherfucker anymore. 

Writing in this blog is actually the first step into that change, it's a tool to practice my writing skills in English and to express myself. 

So I guess this is it for today, if there's someone reading this I wish you a great year and come along with me in this journey.